Postmortem
A post of postmortem-ing my two days of 7 hours sleep, summer fling, and the rejection from my summer internship.
Mid-night Sep 24, I received HR's email saying that I didn't receive return offer from my TikTok internship. Surprisingly, I was more peaceful than i imagined my self would be, although i have been planning my entire 2 career year ahead based on the belief that, I got this RO for sure. I was planning of graduating early, of how i would sublet my current apartment out, how i would need to sell all the new furnitures i just bought, would be such a pity; how i would need to apply for OPT, worrying about timeline, EAD card...
But none of these will be happening anymore! in a short term.
如果现在回看，感觉也不是完全没有预兆：从来没有一句准话的老板，虽然同事给的都是正反馈，“不用担心”，“我希望你能回来”，“想的太远了”，但是没有一句是板上钉钉的承诺。整个实习期间，我的感受也不完全是全部正向的：仿佛回到国内的上班环境，对于同期实习生水平的质疑，正职加班的疯狂，以及技术上鲜少的讨论等等。我手上的筹码太少，想抓住的太多，对于自己的太不信任，都导致了盲目地崇拜，worship一个在时间线上早早出现的机会，却很少去质疑这个机会的质量。
至于被拒绝的原因，组里的同事给我透露，原因之一是我在离职当天给私人电脑传输了文件和数据，被检测到了。这相当于一票否决，甚至这个都不由我的mentor和manager决定。我当时的想法是，想借着这个repo未来有时间再继续自己学习，以及再使用这个内容polish我的简历。因为对于公司审查制度的不了解，我做出了传输到自己电脑的行为。不管怎么样，这都是很深刻的教训，未来需要注意不能用公司的电脑做任何私人的事情。
我觉得是因为，我对于“口头的空承诺”太过于当真，以及对于职场公司制度的不明确，导致我对于结果落差太大的接受度不高。时至今日，可能还是觉得公司是一个可以嘻嘻哈哈的地方，有些制度可能我解释了他们就能原谅了，但事实不是这样。
又觉得这种荒谬的把人拒绝的原因，也是老天冥冥之中，实在不想让我回字节了。充满了同胞的地方，小红书/一亩三分地骂得最起劲的地方，职场风气完全类比东亚/国内的地方，我也高度怀疑我全职入职了之后是否真的会开心。God might use this brutal excuse, to open another door for me, for example, stay another semester, 沉下心来，polish myself, ascend, think about what I want to do, where to go, AND actually land at somewhere way better.